Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Is it me????

Have you ever been in church when the preacher says that he is opening up the altar for people to come be prayed for and that he is sure that there is one person who needs a touch from God? A person who God has laid on his heart that they need prayer? This person needs to submit to God?
Have you ever stood there wondering..."Is it me?"
I cried in worship today. We were singing, "Your love, Lord, amazes me! ....You take my broken heart and bring relief." And my heart was broken.
So many times I just fight with God. I don't trust Him to meet my family's needs. I keep thinking that I should just be able to do more. I forget that His grace is enough. He wants to take care of me, if I would just let Him.
I fight with my husband, not that he knows it....most of the fights begin and end in my head before ever getting him involved. Usually, it is best that way. I struggle with submission. I want to do things my way and in my time, but now that I am joined to another human being, it doesn't work that way. I struggle with how our relationship has changed since we got married.
So, there I stood. Pastor Doug calling for people to come to the altar. Calling for one person in particular to come to the altar. (this doesn't happen in the Baptist churches of my upbringing, or if it does, no one ever thinks much of it because the power of the Holy Spirit is limited by the rules and proper ways to do this and that) So I stood there... Asking myself, Is it me? Am I the one he is talking about? I don't want to be the cause of keeping God from working in the service today. But then again...I didn't even really WANT to go to church today. I was stressed because of all the STUFF that I had to do. Worried about needing a new water pump, new tires, a mower, why is the toilet making that noise when we flush it? All the worries of the world...BTW...the pastor was preaching on worry today he said, but I had pictures to be printed and cut out for the little kids in children's church and knew I wouldn't be in the service today.
I went down and was prayed for/with. Tears streaming down my face...all the while fighting within myself and not knowing why. Struggling with my fears and arguing in my head with what the pastor is praying about! "Dear Lord come in to Lori's life. Live in her." What you don't think God lives in me! Why can't I just let go? Let God control me?
My dad always talks about how hard it is to be a living sacrifice because we keep crawling off the altar. That is me! I want God to control my life, but just when I give it to Him, I take it back. Ellie does that with me. She will bring me her Gracie doll to put together so it will sing or pray, but she doesn't have the patience with me sometimes and she grabs it out of my hands. The pure joy on her face when she leaves it in my hands long enough for me to make it work tells me that she loves her doll, but too often she is like me with God. She snatches it back and tries to do it herself.
When will we learn?

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