Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I walked 3.92 miles today and it feels great! I love mapping out new walks using MapMyRun.com. Some bloggers post their maps on their blogs, but since I start and end at my house, I'm not willing to do that. I do post photos from along the route, so if you were really savvy with computers, I'm sure you could find me now that Google has Street View online. Today's photo comes from the same house with the Giggle swing. It is hard to make out in the photo, but it says, "Don't Think So Much! Smile!" I love it! It kind of makes me wonder if they did that to annoy a neighbor? We have a great variety of folks living in our neighborhood from the little shack on the corner to the McMansion in the back of the neighborhood. Oh well, it makes me smile.

What else makes me smile as I walk and sweat and walk and sweat (hey, it's August in southern Louisiana!) is my playlist that I created to work out. I have a good mix of fast and slow songs, so I can do intervals. Some of the songs were selected because of the words, some just for the beat, other just because I like that I get to spend time with God alone on my walks. One song, "Who I am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K, seems to really be hitting home to me today.

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

The line drawn in the sand as far as eating habits for me goes back to kindergarten. My family had gone to McDonald's which in and of itself was very rare at that stage in my life. I had been watching too much TV and seen the commercials for Big Mac's. You remember the one, "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese. . . " When Mom asked me what I wanted, I told her that I wanted a Big Mac. She told me that there was no way that I could eat a whole Big Mac, so I set out to prove her wrong. I did it. Looking back I consumed 580 calories plus I'm sure I had fries and a drink. That is way too much for a 6 year old! I know that that first Big Mac was not the only reason I am obese, but it was a turning point in my life. It was me taking control of my eating habits. I wish I could take that moment back. I am sorry for the person I have been, but I am ready to make sure I don't continue on that path and that is a good thing!